First, a confession: At most, I watch only a handful of TV programs (98% of them on-demand); I haven’t seen a movie in a theater in probably two years; I hate shopping and avoid crowds as often as I can; I rarely eat out, unless I’m traveling; I’ve pretty much given up on religion and politics; I closed my Facebook account over a year ago (and haven’t missed it one bit); and if I’m being completely honest, I can’t think of a single thing that’s trending in pop culture today that I give a rat’s ass about. It’s all just a lot of noise to me.
So, yeah, I suppose you could go ahead and write me off as being hopelessly out of touch. And who knows, maybe I am. Or… could it be that there just really isn’t all that much out there worth getting excited about in the “material world” of 2019? That would be my explanation.
Whichever is the case, here is my short list of things I can’t relate to in America today…
- country music
Honestly, it isn’t just country music. For me, it’s most of the music that’s being sausage-grinded-out these days. Very few of the “hits” on today’s charts—in any genre—are worth listening to more than once. Still, I’m sticking with popular country music as being the worst of the worst.
- golf
When I was a kid, I caddied one summer and got my first real exposure to golfers. ‘Nuf said? I don’t like what this game turns people into. So many men become so obsessed that it ruins their marriages and alienates their families. Some adroit real estate developer ought to buy up all the marginal to failing golf courses and convert them to neighborhoods of reasonably-sized and priced homes. Golf has wrecked enough of them. Would be fitting if it could restore some.
- pickup trucks
I have no problem with people who actually use their pickups to haul tools or trailers or bricks, or the like. As long as they’re good drivers and don’t terrorize me in my tiny SUV (or unduly hog the already crammed-in parking spaces out there). No, the problem I have is with the other 85% of people who buy a ginormous, gas-guzzling, road-hogging pickup truck only to keep it buffed up and always pristine clean. Never even a scratch. Why? Because those folks obviously don’t need all that heavy-duty-ness and horsepower. If all you’re gonna do is drive to the office or the grocery store, then wtf is your problem? YOU are clogging up the streets and unnecessarily polluting our planet for no good reason! There ought to be a law against such abuses of power.
- tattoos
First, it’s your body so really, do with it whatever the hell you want. Second, you probably couldn’t care less about my opinion anyway (nor me yours, tbt). But all opinions aside, there are a lot of serious problems associated with forcing ink in-between your skin layers. So if nothing else, at least now you can’t say that nobody ever warned you.
Back to opinions, I have yet to see tattoo art that I think is objectively beautiful. Have you ever heard of anyone framing tattoo art like a painting and hanging it on a wall? Nobody I have ever heard of. Which should be no surprise, because let’s be honest—even the best-of-the-best, world-class tattoo artist out there is still, when the day is all said and done, um, a tattoo artist.
Deciding to get a tattoo would seem to reveal one or both of these character flaws: a.) You’re a fool because you believe your taste in “tattoo art” today will be the same five or ten years from now; and/or b.) You’re sadistic, because not only are you okay with forcing your current taste in tattoo art on your friends and partner(s) now, but you’re planning to keep them staring at that same, stupid tattoo all the while your body sags and stretches to accommodate all the many changes your body will go through into middle age and well beyond. Not a pretty picture. I’d bet that none of your friends will think that tattoo still looks good on you in the year 2030.
- tanning salons
Like a lot of things that are okay in limited doses (think Madonna, shrimp, Mai Tai’s), being active and out in the sunshine—and as a natural result getting slightly tanned—is perfectly fine. Odds are you’re enjoying life, you probably won’t get skin cancer, and it can actually look good. It’s when it goes beyond that, and one way or another you become a “sun goddess”—with that trademark leathery, sun-damaged skin—that it no longer looks good or is good for you. If you regularly use a tanning booth and/or like to “bake” on the beach, you should know that you are damaging your skin and rapidly aging your appearance. Is that what you’re trying to do?
- hot tubs
If I could be guaranteed that a hot tub I was invited into hadn’t recently (or ever!) been the site of a sticky sexual encounter, then maybe I would more feel relaxed sitting in one of these. But as you and I both know, no such guarantees come with a hot tub. Thanks, but I’ll take a pass.
- casinos
The three times I’ve ever in my life set foot in a casino I had identical experiences: The places were thick with cigarette smoke, mostly very old and decrepit-looking people were hunched over in their chairs pulling levers (I got the impression ALL DAY), and it was mind-bendingly “overstimulating” with all the cheesy sounds and flashing lights emanating from every machine. After 15 minutes I wanted desperately to leave. So, why do people go to these godawful places?
- cruise ships
Full disclosure—I’ve never actually been on one. But I have heard many “amazing” cruise ship stories over the years from family and friends. I’ve also seen the alluring TV commercials. So, I have to ask, am I missing something?? I mean, apparently the cruise ship experience all boils down to eating too much, drinking too much, gambling under the influence of alcohol, tanning in lounge chairs all passed out in the sun, and getting off now and then at what essentially are streets full of nothing but gift shops and restaurants. And if so it’s no mystery, then, why NONE of this appeals to me!
- “all you can eat” restaurants
It’s a strange pitch, when you think about it. You agree to pay 50% more than you normally would for a meal, so then you feel you need to eat your “money’s worth,” so then you stuff 100% more food into your gut than you know you should, and (no surprise!) you feel like shit. You look around and see that everyone else is in the same boat, loosening belts and popping Rolaids like candy. And even though the food really wasn’t all that good, you can say you got your money’s worth. So despite your severe discomfort, you leave feeling strangely satisfied. IDK, no matter what angle you come at this from, it just doesn’t appear appetizing to me.
- biscuits and gravy
Question: Have you ever seen anyone ordering biscuits and gravy who wasn’t morbidly fat? Right! But for some reason, this isn’t a correlation that everybody easily makes. Hard for me to imagine eating anything as heavy as biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Or for lunch. Or dinner. Or how about “all you can eat” biscuits and gravy??
- self-driving vehicles
It really irks me to think that at some point, I’ll be forced to share the road with cars and trucks that have no drivers. How rude is that? As for the chances of me ever owning or even allowing myself to be strapped into the back of one of these, it’s ZERO. Not going to happen. Besides, I like driving (though maybe I won’t if there are self-driving vehicles all over the place!). Ugh.
- smart watches
First, they really aren’t stylish. Which is my nice way of saying that most of them are really ugly. Second, they’re ridiculously expensive. And third, these devices are capable of inadvertently (or by design) sharing some of our most private health information, our real-time location, what we’re doing (audio and even video)… and on top of all of this, they’re vulnerable to hacking. So take a guess—do you think I’d ever want one of these strapped onto my wrist? Not a chance.
- smart speakers
I didn’t like these devices even before it was revealed that they’re listening to everything we do (!). F*ck those Silicon Valley bastards and the advertisers who enable them!
- the whole “IoT – Internet of Things” everything-is-connected thing
Where to start other than to say that, A REFRIGERATOR, UNDER ANY REASONABLE SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES, SHOULD NOT NEED TO HAVE ITS OWN IP ADDRESS. Over the past couple of years, we’ve believed all the techies who’ve sold us on so many flavors of convenience, but as it turns out we’ve been sold out, instead. They’ve made BILLIONS of dollars off of all of us and have compromised our privacy and dignity in the process. The USA (and China) now have IoT “security” cameras on practically every street corner and door. It’s beyond obscene.
- those silly Snapchat photo FX
My son and his girlfriend—and by logical extension, MILLIONS of Millennials—spend WAY too much time on this app mostly making silly faces. I will never get it. Probably because (they tell me) it’s a generational thing. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry. You aren’t missing much.
- Christmas music
If it were limited to only a couple days a year, it might not be so bad. Problem is, retailers and radio stations now start playing Christmas music even before Thanksgiving! It doesn’t mean I’m a Grinch or anti-Christian. I just tire very quickly of schmaltzy, sentimental music. Sorry, Jesus!
- Prime Time TV
Sometimes I sit and stare motionless at how bad TV has gotten. Fortunately for me, the only times I’m defenseless in front of the boob tube anymore is when I’m with my in-laws. Seriously, WOW! If you haven’t figured out by now how to watch TV on-demand, I’d highly recommend that you get on it before your brain turns to mush. Did I say wow, already? Wow, TV is so bad.
- swimming pools
I’ve never been all that excited about swimming as it is. But these days, with so much pollution in our oceans and lakes, I may never again intentionally jump into any body of water. It’s so sad. As for swimming pools, are you freaking kidding me?? Echh. Makes me want to take a shower just thinking about it.
- McMansions
Growing up in the 1960’s, nobody ever imagined that a child needed his or her own bedroom, let alone a walk-in closet or full bath. It would have been considered outlandish then, as it ought to be now. Yet for some reason, new houses just keep getting gratuitously bigger and bigger. And it isn’t like they’re in any way architecturally unique, attractive or even well built. So what we’re doing, then, is leaving behind lots and lots of ugly, suburban sprawl that’ll all need to be torn down in 30 years. Isn’t that brilliant.
- tiny homes
Of course, they’re the extreme flipside of supersized McMansions… but I mean, really? Have we nothing else in-between? I recently toured a “parade” of tiny homes, so having actually been inside dozens of them I can say first-hand that these are not for me. While my wife and I have intentionally downsized since our children moved away, I don’t think we could comfortably live in what in the past would have been called a dollhouse or a shed. Even though in reality, they’re still a lot roomier than a motorhome…
- motorhomes
Once upon a time, we almost bought an RV. It was before the Robin Williams movie came out. It was also just before the last recession, when the bottom dropped out of the economy and gas prices went through the roof. To each his own, but I am just so glad we didn’t ever buy one! Nowadays, when I see an RV laboring along, I can think back and vividly recall how difficult they are to drive, how flimsily they’re constructed, how noisy and unstable they are on the open road, and how much you have to be willing to leave behind in order to take one on a road trip. Trying to cram your necessities into an RV, you might as well be a turtle. You’ll sure feel like one! With maybe three changes of clothes and a college-dorm-sized fridge. Nah! That’s not my idea of fun. Plus, there are only so many places you can park an RV (which brings us to #22…)!
- campgrounds
Some of the oddest, most offbeat places in America would have to be campgrounds. Located just outside of town, on the wrong side of the railroad tracks, down by the river, off the beaten path on unmarked county roads… They’re typically packed full of big families on a small budget, various bearded off-the-grid drifters, and communities of “permanent” residents identifiable by the Christmas lights that adorn their RV’s year-round. Why a loving parent would ever take a child overnight to a place straight out of a Hollywood horror film seems derelict to me.
- lottery tickets
Hey, I can think of dozens of better ways to throw your money away, if that’s what you’re trying to do. But if that’s indeed the case, then maybe you ought to wonder if perhaps you have more money than you really need (or deserve)? And in which case, you might consider that there are actually others, probably in your town, who need the money for things like food. In any case, odds are finding a better cause would enrich your life far more than winning a lottery ever will.
- restaurant chains
There are so many more delicious places to eat than those same 60 restaurant chains you can find in just about any city in the USA these days. So why do people keep going there? Life is too short not to savor every meal. Legendary chef Anthony Bourdain once said, “Good food and good eating are about risk.” Those of you who are risk averse can download free apps like Yelp!, TripAdvisor, or even Google Maps to check out where the locals go to eat. Food for thought.
- Fox News
If I have to tell you why to avoid Fox News, chances are you aren’t open to having anyone tell you anything. Clearly, Fox News viewers have already made up their minds. About everything. And they aren’t open to any new information, unless it confirms what they already “know.” I’ll admit that for over ten years, I was a faithful Fox News watcher, too. Coincidentally (?), I ended up needing medical intervention to treat headaches, high blood pressure and anxiety. No joke. Looking back, five years removed from that angry echo chamber, I now believe that there is a direct correlation between watching Fox News and feeling like shit. I’ve seen so many “good ol’ guys” morph into grumpy old men who seem to hate anyone outside of their media bubble—and honestly, are hard to be around anymore. Sorry to startle you, man, but Fox isn’t news. For the most part, it’s really just the terrible opinions of a handful of screwed up Barbie and Ken dolls who work for a terrible, screwed up mega billionaire and his devil-may-care multinational media enterprise who are all only in it for the money. So, do us a favor and turn it off. Please.
- the NFL
Every once in a while, I admit getting sucked into watching a game, always to regret it. As is the case with wrestling, I can’t help but think that gambling determines the outcomes of more NFL games than anything else. And in addition to what feels to me like corruption, the very fact that so much money is involved at all—in what is a child’s game—relative to how other vastly more worthy professions and endeavors are grossly undervalued in our culture… that’s what turns me off more than anything. Plus I can’t stand the over-the-top hype and tribalism of the fans. I’m doing better this year: Here, in week #16, I think my total viewing time is under 1 hour.
- cheerleaders
Cheerleading is the most hyper-sexualized, patronizing and degrading way anyone could have come up with to represent half of our population (and also the so-obvious, immature fantasies of the other half). I have never at any time in my life understood this gig. I mean… Really, girls?
- talent shows
Too much hype (I know, that’s the whole point, right?). Besides, there’s a surplus of real talent out there who, by the way, would never stoop so low as to appear on a talent show. Next!
- tribes
I’m not talking about native American tribes here. I’m talking about identifying and aligning one’s self with various “in groups” like Republicans or Democrats, or conservatives, or “Christians”, or some college or some city’s athletic team, or any other “tribal” affiliation that can be boiled down to a logo or a slogan. A bright red MAGA hat? Sorry, not my style!
- guns
There are just too many guns in the U.S., ownership should be carefully regulated, absolutely nobody should own an assault rifle, and sorry, but the Second Amendment cannot prevent a tyrannical government in the 21st Century. So, you wanna own a gun? Fine. First demonstrate that you’ve got some common sense and maturity to discuss guns without getting emotional.
- money
Yeah, money doesn’t do much for me, other than make me uptight. Money can’t buy me love. Besides, it’s clear that money makes people sick in the head. Proof: there isn’t a billionaire alive who sees the problem with being a billionaire. Even multi-multi-millionaires like LeBron James can never seem to have enough money (Search: “LeBron James Hong Kong”). If I didn’t need to pay my bills, I would never have anything to do with money ever again. Take that to the bank.
So, what do you think? Hits? Misses? Did I forget something? Or poke you in the eye? I’ll listen.